`A floating island - above the depth of emotion` - 24th April 2018

One weekend, I took this short trip to a little town on the seashore, a few hours away from where I live. It was a kind of abandoned isolated city, sort of older generation lives quietly as all younger generations left there for the bigger city. In this little town, I met one elderly lady who helped my son out when he fell down from the slide while he was roller-blading.

She was around 60 yrs or even closer to 70 yrs, almost of my parents` age.

By looking at my son, she started to tell me her story, saying that, she also has 4 children of her own, all are grown up now, and during raising them up, she could not help herself having a kind of `guilt` in herself, as if whatever she does, nothing is enough for them, sort of `limited love` that she can give to each. `A quarter love for each child` she said. She even cried in front of me.

I was kind of surprised. I was a total stranger for her, happened to meet her in a local park, a few minutes ago. And she started to talk such a story. Also, the story itself was not the thing I kind of expected as `guilt`. But it was too obvious that the feeling of `guilt` was haunting her deeply.

Where is the `seed` coming from?

That was in my mind then.

So I asked, do you have sisters or brothers of yourself?

She said, `Yes, I am one daughter of 4 children from my parents. I was the ugliest of four, kind of inferior one, comparing to other sisters and brothers. All went to the universities, me not. All were smarter, career orientated, even gymnastically good at. So I felt that I was the ugly duck among beautiful swans. Even my mother said so when I was younger, saying how come I was so different from others?`

`A quarter of love` or even less that she felt from her own mother, her own pain from her own childhood.

I thought, imagine, how would it be like, raising your own children without any `guilt` or anything that holds you back from the prior-generation. 

`Not a tap water - between the deserted, still the water flows beneath` - 27th April 2018