‘The internal meeting’ - 7th July 2020

Integration of myself and my internal family from every stage of my life as a small girl, youth girl, an adult woman, and the future elderly me.

My internal meeting among them has been a key role through my daily morning meditations as if each has a different opinion for the present health condition as the overall ‘me’.

The self-reflection practice has been a long long way to get a process along with this psychological healing process from my own childhood traumas and the tendencies that I make choices for the current realistic issues. Especially there are lots of ‘A-ha’ moments with how I interact with people around me. My intention was clear. I needed to check my own perception and hopefully, I would reach the stage to take off a pair of my colored glasses and would go beyond it. The way how I have been seeing people, who I have been putting my trust in, who I was misjudging, or with whom I was misjudged by, etc. 

‘Most people are extras in their own movie’ Bob Proctor said.

‘I realized I wasn’t the star of my movie at all. I was really an extra. Someone else was always the star, and I was forever trying to please them, trying to measure up to what I thought their standard was, never performing at a level that I believed they considered acceptable.’ by Sandra Gallagher

When I read these lines, it did scratch something in me. It did remind me of how people would have to get offended if I wouldn’t have behaved the ways they wanted me to behave. I could come up with many occasions that I needed to face for these inner battles that I had to cope with.

Yes, in a way, I was a pleaser. Though in most of the occasions, what left in me was this inner turmoil, as well as being a ‘nice’ girl in the eyes of others, I ended up collecting the ‘wrong’ people around me. It is not that they are ‘wrong’ on their own behalf. But it was wrong for my own healthy surroundings. Such a relationship has never been an equal term. I do realize this by having experienced difficult moments of my life and who was there for me, and who was not, unfortunately.

Though there is still this fear in me for placing myself at the center stage of being me in my own life, it might sound rather strange to say though. As if some voices at the back of my head could be speaking to me, ‘who do you think are you?’

Then, that makes me straight back to become a little powerless girl who I was through my childhood, who was always concerning about how my father would think if I do this or that, and how my mother would react, etc.

Meanwhile, through my teenage era till the late 20s or even more, I guess most of my decisions were made rather out of this internal revolving feelings. Especially by visualizing my father’s face, I chose the path which he would have not agreed with. Though again, this perception is my own.

A long curve of leaving my parents home at 18, left even my country to England, and nearly 20 years have been passed and being back to my country.  Three years ago, I took this NLP course hoping to find the real ‘me’ as a person without any external influences.

The point is that nothing was there at the real core bottom to shape the solid ‘who I am’. It would not be ‘solid’, it is rather ‘fluid’ in a form. That is what I guess I concluded myself for now. I mean, that is the result of a long process of peeling off one layer after another of an onion. So there have been moments of experiencing, what I thought my issues were not actually issues, it was more like the projected manners of the real issues behind hidden. People would say one thing, and they tend to act in a totally opposite way from what they are saying to do. I used to get paralleled with this fact. External phenomena show as if we are checking and adjusting the internal lens of our camera - eyes. What shapes us truly really is, how we would create as we prefer it to be. Creation would start from planting seeds of ideas.

‘I dream my painting, and then I paint my dream’ - a quote by the genius artist, Vincent Van Gogh.

‘To believe in the things you can see and touch is no belief at all, but to believe in the unseen is a triumph and a blessing.’ - by Lincoln.

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I would love to get to know you a bit better, and explore your dreamscape!

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Please check out this page ’ memory-bank’ also for a question list, if you are interested in a session with me!

‘Aha moments’ - 7th July 2020