‘The internal meeting’ - 7th July 2020

Integration of myself and my internal family from every stage of my life as a small girl, youth girl, an adult woman, and the future elderly me.

My internal meeting among them has been a key role through my daily morning meditations as if each has a different opinion for the present health condition as the overall ‘me’.

The self-reflection practice has been a long long way to get a process along with this psychological healing process from my own childhood traumas and the tendencies that I make choices for the current realistic issues. Especially there are lots of ‘A-ha’ moments with how I interact with people around me. My intention was clear. I needed to check my own perception and hopefully, I would reach the stage to take off a pair of my colored glasses and would go beyond it. The way how I have been seeing people, who I have been putting my trust in, who I was misjudging, or with whom I was misjudged by, etc. 

‘Most people are extras in their own movie’ Bob Proctor said.

‘I realized I wasn’t the star of my movie at all. I was really an extra. Someone else was always the star, and I was forever trying to please them, trying to measure up to what I thought their standard was, never performing at a level that I believed they considered acceptable.’ by Sandra Gallagher

When I read these lines, it did scratch something in me. It did remind me of how people would have to get offended if I wouldn’t have behaved the ways they wanted me to behave. I could come up with many occasions that I needed to face for these inner battles that I had to cope with.

Yes, in a way, I was a pleaser. Though in most of the occasions, what left in me was this inner turmoil, as well as being a ‘nice’ girl in the eyes of others, I ended up collecting the ‘wrong’ people around me. It is not that they are ‘wrong’ on their own behalf. But it was wrong for my own healthy surroundings. Such a relationship has never been an equal term. I do realize this by having experienced difficult moments of my life and who was there for me, and who was not, unfortunately.

Though there is still this fear in me for placing myself at the center stage of being me in my own life, it might sound rather strange to say though. As if some voices at the back of my head could be speaking to me, ‘who do you think are you?’

Then, that makes me straight back to become a little powerless girl who I was through my childhood, who was always concerning about how my father would think if I do this or that, and how my mother would react, etc.

Meanwhile, through my teenage era till the late 20s or even more, I guess most of my decisions were made rather out of this internal revolving feelings. Especially by visualizing my father’s face, I chose the path which he would have not agreed with. Though again, this perception is my own.

A long curve of leaving my parents home at 18, left even my country to England, and nearly 20 years have been passed and being back to my country.  Three years ago, I took this NLP course hoping to find the real ‘me’ as a person without any external influences.

The point is that nothing was there at the real core bottom to shape the solid ‘who I am’. It would not be ‘solid’, it is rather ‘fluid’ in a form. That is what I guess I concluded myself for now. I mean, that is the result of a long process of peeling off one layer after another of an onion. So there have been moments of experiencing, what I thought my issues were not actually issues, it was more like the projected manners of the real issues behind hidden. People would say one thing, and they tend to act in a totally opposite way from what they are saying to do. I used to get paralleled with this fact. External phenomena show as if we are checking and adjusting the internal lens of our camera - eyes. What shapes us truly really is, how we would create as we prefer it to be. Creation would start from planting seeds of ideas.

‘I dream my painting, and then I paint my dream’ - a quote by the genius artist, Vincent Van Gogh.

‘To believe in the things you can see and touch is no belief at all, but to believe in the unseen is a triumph and a blessing.’ - by Lincoln.

A workshop `Time capsule` project is OPEN now!

If you are interested in, please check out the page `Time Capsule` 

I would love to get to know you a bit better, and explore your dreamscape!

I will be a listener for your story!

Please check out this page ’ memory-bank’ also for a question list, if you are interested in a session with me!

‘Aha moments’ - 7th July 2020

‘Walk the walk’ - 6th July 2020

Real confidence comes from the experiences of how far you could invest yourself for the sake of others. The responsibility on our shoulders, make us go further, much more further than we could imagine that we would be able to. Simply visualizing those children’s innocent smiles would create courage within us.

When I was a lot younger I made lots of mistakes with my choices. I thought I was the weakest person on the whole planet. It was possibly because of my cultural background, where we tended to get raised as caring for others as a priority. Naivety is not necessary. People did warn me though several times, when I started living abroad, in western societies. Surely, for some certain issues, I did have this internal conflicts within me, that the self-talks are created as if, one is in search simply for harmony and peace with people around me, and the other is for being aware of what I really want to do behind the scenes. 

In our contemporary phenomena, even though we seem to have such a ‘busy’ life caught up by this and that as if being a social animal is the only way to be.

Who would be standing on the spot of the light? 

Who would like to speak out from the shadow spot?

‘When I run after what I think I want, my days are a furnace of distress and anxiety, if I sit in my own place of patience, what I need flows to me, and without pain. From this, I understand that what I want also wants me, is looking for me, and attracting me. There is a great secret here for anyone who can grasp it.’ - A quote from Rumi

How I have been feeling on the bottom of my stomach, has been telling me something. It is more of like on a sensing level. As the first of all, before taking any actions on behalf, not on our logic thoughtful level, what matters is, how we feel or, how our gut is telling us for our drive direction.

A workshop `Time capsule` project is OPEN now!

If you are interested in, please check out the page `Time Capsule` 

I would love to get to know you a bit better, and explore your dreamscape!

I will be a listener for your story!

Please check out this page ’ memory-bank’ also for a question list, if you are interested in a session with me!

‘Each star on its own way’ - 6th July 2020

‘The smell of the green’ - 3rd July 2020

How to handle negative situations

This is a story from 10 years ago, and I kind of didn’t want to remember it, as I thought that that was the darkest moment of my life that I better leave it buried as it is. Simply it was a painful era that I wish I didn’t have in my life, I wish nobody would want to experience such an era.

Though, recently I came across someone who was going through a grief moment for losing his mother, I don’t know why, but this story came up to my mind as if something was urging me to tell this story to this person. After I thought it through for a day, I decided to write.

Here is what I wrote from my memory.

I had a friend who lost his mother when they were traveling together through India toward Nepal. She was a single mum, and he was the only her son, they were very close like best friends to each other. So both went on this trip together, then this car accident happened one misty day on the way to Nepal. My friend, her son was saved luckily but he lost her mother from the cliff. He saw all when and how she died. And the memory of it haunted him for a real long time along with regret, anger, frustration, helplessness all kinds of excess emotions that he could not handle. So he came back to his country once, but he could not cope with staying in his house alone any longer.

He said. His mother was a painter, she did lots of colorful abstract paintings. So he said, he knew she has gone logically, but at that house, he could still feel the presence of her through those paintings. So soon after he left his country, I remember he was saying, only he could think of, was going to India, where she wanted to explore, so he left for India. He didn’t come back for three years since. 

When I met him, it was the time I was really lost since my ex-husband disappeared and I was in this middle of nowhere in a foreign country, holding my little son. And I had this lots of anger, sadness, broken-hearted at that time, and I didn’t know anybody close enough to talk to nearby. Through friends’ friends’ home party or so, we met, and I guess, somebody mentioned about my status or so, he invited me to his workshop that he is organizing. Yes, he became a Yoga teacher after spending three years at a temple in India. 

This workshop that he was organizing was, the weirdest workshop I have ever been, at the same time, it was the most powerful. It started at 6 am in the morning for 2 hours. So I went there, it was in the basement, completely pitch-black. Further at the entrance, they ask me to cover my eyes with fabric. Then inside the room, you can feel there are roughly 10 people or so through the air. Then, out of sudden, hard aggressive music started, then those moaning, shouting, the noise of punching the air, all kinds of weird and dark negative voices you could hear. I was paralleled at first. But at that time as my life was so in a mess and I was lost so I thought it was the best place to be. Or say, anyway, I opened up, I started, as I could hear, swearing, screaming, all kinds of worst things that I can think of, I shouted. That is how 2 hours went, and really literally time flew. And toward the end of the session, a mysterious thing happened. Something was so taken out of my heart. I can not explain verbally enough, as it was more like on a physical level. Truly it was like a hoover effect, taking all inside out. And taking off my fabric from my eyes, the organizer opened the windows. What happened? Such a bunch of negative swearing people like us was simply normal people that we can see everywhere. I mean, 8 in the morning. So some are even wearing suits after taking a shower in the studio, ready to work.

Later on, my friend (the guy who lost his mother) said to me, ‘You know, all the emotions are exactly the same, negative or positive, all are energy, and excess emotions are like a poo, has to be taken out. The way you take out is up to you though’. What he said, how he dealt his grief toward his mother, how he started to heal people in this manner, did inspired me, and saved me and sustained me for the next 5 years of seeing things through to come afterward.

A couple of weeks later after I wrote this memory and the person thanked me for telling this story I realized that my perception of this uncomfortable memory has shifted. Unexpectedly, by seeing this person appreciated me for telling this story, I kind of realized that I could reflect my past calmly in a different light, and realized that we can transform even a painful memory into a learning lesson and make it useful to support others.

Take care of yourself, take care of your heart, take care of your kindness!

A workshop `Time capsule` project is OPEN now!

If you are interested in, please check out the page `Time Capsule` 

I would love to get to know you a bit better, and explore your dreamscape!

I will be a listener for your story!

Please check out this page ’ memory-bank’ also for a question list, if you are interested in a session with me!

‘The ant adventure on the green field’ - 3rd July 2020